The Three Fucking Pigs

There was an old sow with three fucking pigs. These fucking pigs were totally out of control, with their SnapChat and their substance abuse and their self-entitlement, so she sent them out to sow their wild oats.

The first that went off met a man with a bundle of straw. The pig and said to him: “Hey, you magnificent bastard, give me some fucking straw to build a house.”

Which the man did, because he didn’t want any trouble, and the little pig built a house with it.

Presently along came a wolf, who knocked at the door and said: “Little pig, little pig, let me talk to you about some significant structural issues I see with your house.”

To which the pig answered: “No, no, no! Not by the hair of my fucking chin chin.”

The wolf said: “Seriously, this house is a major hazard and I fear for your safety. I know a contractor who can help.”

To which the pig replied: “Fuck you! I can be anything I want, and today, I want to be a house builder.”

The wolf then said: “You can’t build a house correctly just because you really want to. People go to school for that. Seriously, a strong huff and puff could take this thing down.”

To which the pig replied: “I’d like to see you try.”

So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the pig’s house in.

The little pig was distraught, and immediately pulled out his phone and bitched about it on social media.

The second little pig met a man with a bundle of sticks and said: “Hey, you magnificent bastard, give me some fucking sticks to build a house.”

Which the man did, because he didn’t want any trouble, and the little pig built a house with it.

Then along came the wolf, and said: “Little pig, little pig, let me talk to you about the fire hazard posed by building an entire house out of dry sticks.”

To which the pig answered: “No, no, no! Not by the hair of my fucking chin chin.”

The wolf said: “Seriously, fires are a lot more common in fairy tales than people think. Some basic precautions would ensure your safety.”

To which the pig replied: “Fuck you! Nothing bad will ever happen because I’m such a great guy!”

The wolf then said: “Fate is a cruel mistress who plays no favorites. In fact, look, there’s a little cinder floating down right now. A good huff and puff could turn that into a raging inferno.”

To which the pig replied: “I’d like to see you try.”

So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew on the cinder. The pig’s house went up in flames.

The little pig was distraught, and immediately pulled out his phone and left a scathing Yelp review for the man he bought the sticks from.

The third little pig met a man with a pile of bricks and said: “Hey, you magnificent bastard, give me some fucking bricks to build a house.”

Which the man did, because he didn’t want any trouble, and the little pig built a house with it.

So the wolf came, as he did to the other little pigs, and said: “Little pig, little pig, let me talk to you about the precarious roof you have built.”

To which the pig answered: “No, no, by the hair of my fucking chin chin.”

The wolf said: “Seriously, you shouldn’t build your roof out of loose bricks. That’s, like, common sense.”

To which the pig replied: “Fuck you! I won an award in the third grade for building a model house, so you might say I’m an expert.”

The wolf then said: “A little real-world experience would show you that there’s little correlation between the model house you built in third grade and your absurd roofing plan. A good huff and puff would bring that roof down on top of you.”

To which the pig replied: “I’d like to see you try.”

So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he puffed and huffed, and he called the building inspector because he didn’t want to cause the pig any harm. The building inspector condemned the pig’s house and evicted him.

The little pig was distraught, and immediately moved back in with his parents and didn’t get a job because he was taking some time to find himself.

So the moral of the story is, make sure your house is up to code. Also, don’t be a dick.